The Amazing Fish-Man, Destroyer of Worlds

Although Michael Phelps' Olympic accomplishments are jaw-dropping in and of themselves, I can't help but be amused by the multitude of articles devoted to his equally staggering caloric intake. Granted, I could live on what he eats in one day for an entire week so that's legitimately terrifying, but this little media trend is nevertheless totally cracking me up. A little swarm of articles with breathless exclamations about "Twelve thousand calories! Whole jars of mayonnaise and containers of eggs! Normal men would gain 3 lbs daily from eating this insane quantity of food!" All of the articles mention in a sort of surprised tone that if you eat like this, your body will probably not start to look like Phelps', i.e. "6ft 4in and 192 lbs of pure joy. From a female perspective, obviously. Though I probably shouldn't say that." That quote is from a Guardian feature where one of their more expendable reporters attempted to ingest the Kilimanjaro of victuals this guy gets through in a day. The video of the events is pretty hilarious.

From this we can conclude that Michael Phelps is responsible for the depletion of world grain reserves and the untimely death from cardiovascular disease of foolhardy journalists. He must be stopped.

Update: TWO of these idiots have tried it! The Times had to get in on the action. What is wrong with these dudes?